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Do you spend quality time with your spouse?
Yes 50%  50%  [ 2 ]
no 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
sometimes 50%  50%  [ 2 ]
I want to, but don't have time 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
I have to work on it 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
He/she keeps asking when will we do something together 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
I don't care 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Total votes : 4
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 Post subject: What is quality Time?
PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 10:48 am 
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Joined: Tue May 18, 2010 2:03 pm
Posts: 1120
Location: Conifer, Colorado
What is Quality Time?

Remember when you were dating, you looked forward to spending some time with that special someone. You probably thought about what you would do during the day, in fact you may have even daydreamed about the date. You envisioned looking into her eyes, or she dreamed about looking into yours. You would sit across from each other, listening to the music where you were eating out. You may have enjoyed the walks that you took together while talking about your dreams, goals, even secrets that you have kept to yourself. What made your dates special? It was the quality time that you spent together, fun times, and good memories that you made.

I can remember a third date with my now wife. It was a memorable date she will often share with close friends. Looking back, maybe slightly embarrassing when I look back now. I picked her up at her house. When she got into my truck, she gave me a very odd look. I wondered why, and drove on to our planned destination. As we arrived at Estes Park, she asked what's that smell on your coat, it smells awful. I checked my pockets of my coat and found a bottle of elk scent (pee) that had leaked half of its content in my coat pocket. It was an awful smell for sure.

We went into Rocky Mountain National Park and started to look for elk so we could take pictures. This was a planned event for the both of us, we both love wildlife photography, we enjoy exploring the mountains and woods of Colorado. Cameras are great ways to do things together. We have had some wonderful talks on our journeys with our cameras. On our drive to a specific area we want to take pictures, we have some of our favorite music playing as we drive. We turn our cell phones off, and make sure that we each focus on each other. We have created some great memories and wonderful pictures together.

So, what is Quality Time? Have you ever watched people, couples, eating at restaurants? I love people watching, I can tell if people are mad at each other, if they are dating couples, old married couples. You learn a lot by watching people. I have seen on several occasions where married couples sitting together will hardly talk with each other. They stare at the walls, watch people entering the restaurant, text on their phone, it’s very obvious that they have no interest in talking with each other and if they do it’s forced. On the other hand a dating couple will look at each other, focus on each other, talk to each other; you can tell they are spending quality time together. They laugh together, at each other, life seems good.

When my wife wants to talk, I will sit down and spend whatever time she needs. I turn off the TV, cell phone; I will put away anything that will distract me from giving her 100% of my attention. She will do the same for me. Our talks are not always serious. She may just want to sit on the couch and share how her day went. One of her love languages is quality time. That's very important to her. If she wants to go to plays, or a concert, I will go along with her because it’s important to her. If he or she needs your time, then give them the time they need.

Make a list of things that your spouse likes to do that requires your time. For example: She likes spending time in the garden, going out to dinner, my reading to her, going shopping with her, home projects like painting, hosting events at the house, like BBQ's, music jam sessions, football games, movie nights for friends. She loves doing these kinds of things together. I want her to know that she is number one in my life. Do you do that for your spouse now? If not, then start planning to sit down with her or him and plan some fun things to do.

The main purpose of quality time is being together, not in the same house, not somewhere on the same property. You need alone time together and focused on each other. That is the secret of building a strong relationship, togetherness! How can you be focused on each other while watching your favorite basketball team playing? It's not going to happen. Have you ever tried reading the paper while someone was talking with you? Or, have you ever tried talking to someone who was reading the paper? No dialog ever happens. So concentrate on what your spouse is saying, look into his or hers eyes as they speak. This shows that you are indeed interested in what they are saying.

One of the best qualities of quality time is, you get to share some alone time with each other, just think you can talk about some of your thoughts, some of your feelings, and dreams without someone interrupting you. Plan for this time to happen. Schedule a time, and stick to it.

Many times my wife would ask for me to share my day with her. She would say, "I just want to listen and have you talk to me and tell me how your day went." So, my role was to share about my day. That was important to her. When she speaks, I listen; I don't try to fix anything. We have a rule, if she wants me to just listen, then I say nothing. Most guys want to fix problems for their children, for our spouses, for co-workers. If my wife says, honey, I need your help; can I talk some things over with you? I need your help. That's the green light that I need to help her, and she welcomes it. I know many guys who will not listen and want to start fixing things with out being asked for that kind of help. This is one of the first things I will go over in a counseling session. The rules of quality listening. This has prevented many on going arguments between spouses. Guys, if she wants you to listen, she has to tell you, "please just listen to me, I don't need help." Or, she may say, I want your help, but here is my problem, I want and need your advice. They can go both ways, you may need your wife just to listen, or you may need her help and seek her advice.

Here are some tips that can help you become a better listener. Look at your spouse when they are talking, focus on what they are saying. When they are talking, don't look around the room, don't watch the TV out of the corner of your eye (turn off TV), don't stare out the window, again, I repeat look into the eyes of your spouse. If your spouse is hurting when they are talking with you, ask why? Don't just let their emotions pass you by, find out what's going on. Let them share until they are done. Then ask what they want you to do, just listen or do they need your help. If your spouse is wringing their hands, or fidgety, that is a body language you need to be aware of. Something is going on; ask what's up after they are done sharing with you. Many people miss these signs; they are saying that they are hurting in a big way. Let them speak as long as they need, look into their eyes as they speak and don't interrupt them. This often will discourage them from continuing to communicate with you. Your goal is to listen, and not speak.

Next week we will cover part two of this article of quality time. If you have any questions for Dr. Mike, please send him your questions at

Are you having a difficult time in communicating with your spouse and need help? Is it difficult to hold a conversation without your spouse interrupting you? Do you want help in discovering your love languages? If you answered yes to any of these questions, call Dr. Mike and set up an appointment to speak with him.

If you want to read past articles you can go to Mike's blog at http://applicablecoaching/blog.php feel free to post your comments and or questions.

In addition, online/phone Master Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous, and available by appointment, from the privacy of your own home. Avoid the travel and time it takes to get my office. Since you never have to leave the comfort of your own home to meet with me, your anonymity and privacy is completely secured. I have many out-of-state clients; this is the most effective means for Life Coaching for those of you who are out of the state of Colorado.

Dr. Michael Brooks
Applicable Life Coaching & Counseling Services
Office 303.456.0555

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